Mercury Retrograde is for lingering in the gray areas

Layers, Leos, and midnight thoughts on labels

Dear friend,

Years ago sometime in university, I began keeping a list of fragments said casually in conversation that struck me as profound, sweet, or just plain funny. Depending on the fragment, sometimes the context adds an interesting juxtaposition.

For example:

To look at someone in the eyes is very uncomfortable after a few seconds unless you’re about to kill them or love them. - Photography Professor Maguire in a 10 am lecture, 3/28/19

Both my parents are scorpios. I think that explains a lot. - A sweet soul in the red glow of the photography darkroom 3/4/19

Persuade me to get heartbroken. Persuade me. - a Moroccan in the north of Sweden, 12/28/21

We’re not talking, we’re just listening to each other breathing. - my grandma on an idle phone conversation, 8/19/20

It’s just that I’m not afraid of the knife. - a French woman slicing through a block of cheese in her kitchen, 5/17/21

Do you think passion can be an enzyme? - me, undated, in the south of Spain

I hope to compile them all into a book one day perhaps next to photographs from my travels.

~~~~~~~~~~

The phrase “lingering in the gray areas” is also from one of those recorded fragments spoken by my creative writing professor Elizabeth Hanly one February day in Miami.

The first time I ever saw her, I knew I liked her. She rushed into class late with her diaphanous grayish blonde hair piled high on her head, tall and speaking in a register that was sloped lowly and elegantly. I sensed right away she was one of those golden women who have lived and loved a thousand lives (who I want to be). Raised in the mountains out west. A journalist in 1970s Central America in the midst of wars and revolutions. A lover in Cuba. A Leo.

Her creative writing class was a sanctuary of sorts. Every week my classmates and I read our pieces out loud in an academic beatnik setting where we laid our hearts and anger and sins and secrets on the table for all to bear. We shared our thoughts, our opinions, our tears, crafting our pieces like sculpture from marble.

On one such occasion, while musing aloud Elizabeth, as she asked me to call her after three years of being her student, uttered the phrase “lingering in the gray areas.” I immediately repeated it aloud when she said it. It landed in me like ink billowing in water.

Her words come to me now and again.

I’ve been musing upon what exactly does it mean to linger? I have been choosing to slow my haste and allow myself to delight in the stickiness of the unknown. Repainting my mind from feeling bewildered and lost, but instead curious to life’s surprises. To not rush in between but to stay passionately and recklessly curious. What would it mean to let what we don’t know crack us open and show us adventures and timelines we didn’t know possible?

In the midst of this mercury retrograde, in the midst of this auric Leo season, I find myself lingering in the gray areas. I write to you from Taipei, Taiwan which is the city I will call home for at least the next year. I’ve been feeling and feeling and my root chakra is being strengthened, stretched, and amused.

I’ve been lingering in the gray areas of transition. Of finding myself anew. And creating a home in a studio that right now is a bit of a disaster, but I know it will be beautiful. I’ve been lingering in the gray area of getting to know a new friend. A man with six cats… who may be a crush... He’s a Leo. I’m a Leo moon. Leos have always made me feel so alive.

And oh man, I’m confused.

Because this is the first, proper crush I’ve had on a man since I started dating women and only women two years ago. I thought I had my sexuality neatly figured out, like a Tiffany & Co. jewelry box with a bow.

Well besides that night, dancing salsa with this curly headed guy under the Taurus full moon in a tiny bar in Medellín, Colombia (we were the last on the floor at four am). His hair smelled like mangos and he let it fall in my face. That also left me in “Wait, okay maybe I should hold off on calling myself a lesbian!?” sexuality limbo.

I’ve played around with labels for the last couple years to the point they’ve stressed me out at times. I think labels can be as empowering and community giving as they can be elusive and rigid. Sometimes I wonder, sometimes I feel that human sexuality and loving go far beyond labels like straight, bi, lesbian, queer, aro, demi, insert any other word that applies. Sometimes I feel that labels, even when they feel most aligned, are just unable to fully capture all of the layers that exist in what it means to love and commune with another person. It’s like applying something two dimensional to something three dimensional. I feel that no matter where someone lands on the spectrum, sexuality is like the Universe. How does one define such a thing that is infinite and cosmic?

The uncertainty brought on by this maybe male crush dilemma (a bit of denial there still) reminds me of what it was like to have had and lost religion. Thinking I knew my sexuality fully was like having the comfort and security that comes with having all the answers neatly packaged in theology and doctrine. I lost my religion seven summers ago and it was painful but my keys to the world. Having a crush on a man isn’t painful but I am waiting (and maybe hoping) he says something stupid to bring me back to my senses and regularly scheduled programming. But also I’m curious because I have no idea how things will transpire which intrigues me. I can only be open and devoted to honoring myself, loving myself enough to be curious about all facets of me. Isn't it ironic that this was what was denied to me for so many years due to religion?

So with all this being said, this mercury retrograde in Leo has been exceptionally Mercury Retrograde. I keep missing the bus and making the wrong turns as I get to know this new city by foot, by bus, my metro. Missing document scares and visa run arounds. The years have made me more patient, more trusting of the rhythm of the Universe. I see it all as part of the story, the best of which unfold wildly untamed, meandering and lingering in the gray areas.

All my love and heart,

Shalenah

much love to the older angel Taiwanese woman who stopped me on the street and said I looked like a model, I needed that confidence boost

Night market walks in Taipei

Lion street art I saw in Cali, Colombia

Life is so vivid right now I’m afraid pictures aren’t doing it justice but I hope these all add something something special. I love you. <333

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Btw, I’m Shalenah, a certified travel coach & soul journey specialist. I love empowering others to honor their inner free spirit via prioritizing their travel & life abroad dreams and following thier heart wherever it leads them.

My free spirit has led me to moving abroad solo to Taipei, Taiwan as well as Spain where I lived for 3 years. I may have also quit my corporate job to travel through South America on a 5 month soul journey.

If you’ve been wanting to say yes to your travel & life abroad dreams but not sure where to start, message me anytime! Also check out my wesbsite earthangeltravelcoaching.com to learn more about taking steps toward using your heart as your own compass.